we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I want a musical about memes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
