You're completely useless in the revolution.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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