My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Randomize
