I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
