I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
