don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
