wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
