I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
