so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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