it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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