one might say we're banned from that church
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh god it's open bar.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
