I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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