If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
