Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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