I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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