I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
