Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
