Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
