I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
