Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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