T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
