you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
pray to the hookup gods
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
