her vagine was all disorganized.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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