Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
