yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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