If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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