is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
