every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
