Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
