I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
