You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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