I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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