The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
