Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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