I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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