I just saw a hot homeless man
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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