Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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