You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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