And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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