I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Randomize