I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
