My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
