I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize