Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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