whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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