when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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