Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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