I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
