the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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