I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize