I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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