Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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