and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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