I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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