Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize