you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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