Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
