Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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