Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
