I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
