he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize