Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
