I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
