then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
