I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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