a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My balls are so social today.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize