It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
