the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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