he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize