I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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